Breakup? or Not?

Dear Clover,5 years ago

Okay so I feel like I should come back on here and ask my question one more time and this time from the very beginning. So, I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now and I dunno what to do. In the beginning it was very rocky. I did a couple of things out of spite in the very beginning and throughout the rest of the relationship I completely changed after that. But I guess he never truly forgave me so he would do things to hurt me. For instance he sent me a picture of him kissing a girl when we were broken up for 3 months as revenge. He also told me a porn star wanted to sleep with him. He lied about this girl he use to date and he was actually planning to meet up with her, he says just for weed. Then I brought up something I didn't like on facebook called the number game because he was basically flirting with girls on it but instead of making me feel better, he deletes me from his facebook. We lack communication. Us talking is me trying and him telling me he doesnt want to argue and he's too tired. He would say things on facebook while were still dating technically saying "my next girlfriend would have to be." So, after 3 months we got back together despite everything that's happened because he told me he would be different so I let him know that porn star would have to be deleted and he agreed. So a couple months ago I saw that she was never deleted in the first place and brought it to his attention and instead of making me feel better about it, he makes me feel worse by saying "shes a fan and I'm not deleting her." But we keep coming back to each other. I dunno what to do because I feel like it won't change although once again he says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Help.

frustrated dater for sure

Dating » Breakups

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Advice

Dear frustrated dater for sure,5 years ago

It seems to me that this relationship isn't going to go anywhere, and I'm sorry if that isn't what you want to hear. Reread your question, but this time imagine your good friend wrote it and asked for your opinion, what would you tell her?

What happened in the beginning of your relationship is done, over with and should be left behind. When you started seeing him again, both of you had to forgive and forget; otherwise you hop back on the same hampster wheel and continue to chase him in hopes he has changed. Until your boyfriend mans up and accepts the past for what it is, or says he can't forgive you, nothing will change.

I'm hearing you have changed, but I'm not hearing anything of the sorts about him. In this letter alone, I have counted eight occasions he has lied to you. If he is lying about stupid things like FB, what other lies he has told, and how serious are they? He says he doesn't want to hurt you anymore, yet all he has done is hurt you, there wasn't one thing in this letter to indicate otherwise. Have you seen any change in his behavior that would confirm he is trying?

From his point of view, he has no reason to change; you allow him to treat you with disrespect, stay with him, and if you question him, he's too tired to talk. It's a perfect situation for him, he will remain the same and treat you the same until you put a stop to it. I think you already know he isn't going to wake up one day and magically be a great boyfriend. Help yourself, and walk away. Stop speaking to him, block him from facebook, your phone and don't try to find out what he is doing. The more distance you can put between him, the sooner you will realize you deserve better.

During this time, if he is serious about changing he will make the effort to prove it to you. Don't give in easily, anyone can change for a day or two. If he does nothing, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror with a clear conscious and with no regrets.

Aunt_Lucy

1 vote by starfish